Well, i took me a woman late last night,
I's three-fourths drunk, she looked uptight.
She took off her wheel, took off her bell,
Took off her wig, said, "how do i smell?"
I hot-footed it . . . bare-naked . . .
Out the window!

Well, sometimes i might get drunk,
Walk like a duck and stomp like a skunk.
Don't hurt me none, don't hurt my pride
'cause i got my little lady right by my side.
(right there
Proud as can be)

I's out there paintin' on the old woodshed
When a can a black paint it fell on my head.
I went down to scrub and rub
But i had to sit in back of the tub.
(cost a quarter
And i had to get out quick . . .
Someone wanted to come in and take a sauna)

Well, my telephone rang it would not stop,
It's president kennedy callin' me up.
He said, "my friend, bob, what do we need to make the country grow?"
I said, "my friend, john, brigitte bardot,
Anita ekberg, sophia loren."
(put 'em all in the same room with ernest borgnine!)

Well, i got a woman sleeps on a cot,
She yells and hollers and squeals a lot.
Licks my face and tickles my ear,
Bends me over and buys me beer.
(she's a honeymooner
A june crooner
A spoon feeder
And a natural leader)

Oh, there ain't no use in me workin' so heavy,
I got a woman who works on the levee.
Pumping that water up to her neck,
Every week she sends me a monthly check.
(she's a humdinger
Folk singer
Dead ringer
For a thing-a-muh jigger)

Late one day in the middle of the week,
Eyes were closed i was half asleep.
I chased me a woman up the hill,
Right in the middle of an air raid drill.
It was little bo peep!
(i jumped a fallout shelter
I jumped a bean stalk
I jumped a ferris wheel)

Now, the man on the stand he wants my vote,
He's a-runnin' for office on the ballot note.
He's out there preachin' in front of the steeple,
Tellin' me he loves all kinds-a people.
(he's eatin' bagels
He's eatin' pizza
He's eatin' chitlins
He's eatin' bullshit!)

Oh, set me down on a television floor,
I'll flip the channel to number four.
Out of the shower comes a grown-up man
With a bottle of hair oil in his hand.
(it's that greasy kid stuff.
What i want to know, mr. football man, is
What do you do about willy mays and yul brynner,
Charles de gaulle
And robert louis stevenson?)

Well, the funniest woman i ever seen
Was the great-granddaughter of mr. clean.
She takes about fifteen baths a day,
Wants me to grow a cigar on my face.
(she's a little bit heavy!)

Well, ask me why i'm drunk alla time,
It levels my head and eases my mind.
I just walk along and stroll and sing,
I see better days and i do better things.
(i catch dinosaurs
I make love to elizabeth taylor . . .
Catch hell from richard burton!)