(R. Stewart, K. Savigar, J. Davis)

Well I arrived on time
My courduroy suit and me bottle of wine
There were women wall to wall 
It's Saturday night and I wanted them all 
everyone

Sidled up for a dance
I tried a new step and fell in the plants
I told a joke, about the Pope
It wasn't as funny as I would've hoped

Nobody told me she was the daughter 
of the mayor
I was so embarrassed, I just wished the 
ground would swallow me up
Accidentally my elbow hit the record player
The rock 'n' roll stopped 
and everybody just stared
(oh no)

Who's gonna take me home
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
Who's gonna take me home
This party's gone right to my head

I didn't worry, not me
Panic ain't in my vocabulary
Smashed beyond reproach
Suddenly I wanted to take off my clothes

All hell broke loose
I started to take off my trousers and shoes
And so I tried to look cool
I stepped back and fell in the pool

The hostess helped me out 
and asked for my dismissal
I said I was sorry, but I've been under so much pressure just lately, baby 
I felt as popular as a Russian guided missile
The last thing I remember, I left with a girl on a motor bike
That weighed three hundred pounds and what's wrong with that

Who's gonna take me home
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed
Who's gonna take me home
This party's gone right to my head to my head

I woke up on the floor
Still in my suit and she told me I snored
I never felt so cheap
I had a good laugh at the size of her feet

Holy Moses, I don't like this single living
I think I'll find me a nice local girl and settle on down, now
With a home and a garden and a nature quite forgiving
Then again maybe I'll just hang around

Who's gonna take me home
I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, right now
Who's gonna take me home
This party's gone right to my head to my head
Now who's gonna take me home
Hey Brian could you give me a lift 'cos I don't live too far from you, boy
Mary c'mon I've known you so long please give me a lift home, oh c'mon
Jim oh c'mon boys would you just give me a lift home
I don't live too far from here and I'm so tired