and as you all know, i am hard as hell...

Woke up at 9:30 on a saturday morn,
Hit my remote control, turn my stereo on,
Then i reached for a brush since i don't use a pick,
And the floor was kinda cold so i put on my kix...
Went to the kitchen and ate some corn flakes
As i bopped to a tape a kut kreator's breaks
Wit hardcore, heavyweight b-boy blast,
Not soft, hardcore, kut kreator's fast...
Jumped in the shower it was boiling hot,
So i stayed there a hour cuz i like it a lot
Jumped out, dried off, put on the devon cologne,
Then i called up earl on the telephone...
He said there was a jam that we could do later on
Ten g's plus a limo for one short song
So i said yeah i was wit it, hung up and got geared,
Got a magnifyin' glass then i brushed my beard,
Rewound some tapes of some def jam tunes
As i waited for the skeez to ring the bell at noon....

12 o'clock came, left the door cracked,
The freak walked in, a mink on her back,
Put her coat on the rack, threw my sessmo(?) on
Then i threw in a tape of the quiet storm, we drank
Round hill cabernet sauvignon, she said l.l.
When you gonna let me taste your tongue...
Her skin got pale, i wham-bammed the tail,
Did it so hard i shoulda went ta jail...
She left, earl came over and we went outside,
Jumped in the b.m. ta bust a joyride..
Went up to aj's in my fresh black wheels
I'm not a sucka on a corner tryin' ta scrape up a meal...
The girlies want sex, da fellas try ta flex,
But those who flex end up wit broke necks...
Signed some autographs for a posse a freaks -
Said "it's l baby, i ain't down wit sheik"
Conversated wit da skeezers for ten minutes more
Then i jumped in my ride and the freak slammed the door...

?????? people think i do crimes
But they don't know i'm just a conniseur of hip hop rhymes -
Stop smilin, you think ?????? all of the time
But he don't know ?? my name's on his wife's behind
Ll has iced all the washed up slobs
Vigilante of rap, so the hell wit the mob
Don't run from the cops, makin' suckas chop
And i'm only eighteen makin' mo than yo pops
Tormentor of toys and boy scout boys
And i dare any critic to call it noize...

Peeked at the clock it said 6:03,
Said later to kreator and broke out wit e..
Went up ta white castle for a chocolate shake
Thinkin' bout a hundred thousand that i'd soon make
Finished up the snack, jumped up out my seat,
Then e-love hit the table and he made up a beat...
Kicked a few rhymes, stepped out the door
Said "tonight is a bore, i'm in the mood for more!"
Jumped in my ride, i took a peek at the time
It was almost 7:30 and the show was at 9
Ll cool j would soon stand at a jam
With thousands of people screamin' "touch my hand!"

But since i had a hour plus a half attached
I was searchin' for the cutie who's my perfect match...
Her name was renee, her face was ok
But she had the kind a body that made j wanna play
I said no need to rehearse, then i made my approach,
Said you got a good team, girl but ya need a new coach,
Said my name's ll cool if i may introduce
But i'm not here for conversation, i'm here ta seduce
Wanna mix it up baby, wanna feel ya grind
Cause it ain't fifth grade, and these ain't nursery rhymes
Now i know you heard ????? hardcore
Check out the real ll behind closed doors
Tell your buddies you're busy, tell your boyfriend beat it
Put up the silk dress cuz ya ain't gonna need it
Unplug the clock, do away with the light,
After five minutes or more ya here me say "that's right!"
Your body is bad, i heard you got a caddy,
When we make love you can call me daddy
I'm ll cool j, say hey renee,
I'm not a toy boy, but i still wanna play
Promise you i'm not wack when i'm in the sack,
After that i'll leave ya starvin for me to come back
But in the meantime, what ya did just now,
The next time i see ya, i'm goin' ta town

Stepped away from da freak, it was a quarter to 9
When i rode to the jam i saw the crew on line
Took a trip around the side so i could get backstage
If they call me a tiger then the stage is my cage
I rip, stomp and crush, heavy metal bands rust,
Those flaky knuckleheads i crumble up like crust
Walked in the dressin' room and then i heard four knocks
They said ll your runnin' late, and it's time ta rock!
Told kut kreator what the order would be
Then i said "lord have mercy" an slapped hands wit e,
Went on stage, i heard the girlies scream,
And at that very moment i woke up from the dream rrraaah!